Friday, June 18th, 2021
Day 49 - Storytime
A funny thing happened while at the hospital...
**CONTENT WARNING: Depression, Anxiety, Suicide, Death**
During our initial visit to Children's Hospital, it may not have originally occurred to me that one of the nurses was actually a former high school classmate of mine.
This was a pleasant surprise as for one, everyone at Children's is an over the top professional and always a pleasure to be with, and two - the fact that they recognized me.
In a world plagued with COVID-19, the most you'll get to see of someone is the top half of their face, but even with first names of our care team at Children's, I'm sure the though had popped into my head before, "Oh I know a so-and-so" (Honestly, this is the list parents go through when trying to name their own children)
But this person was a classmate from not only high school, but middle school as well. I always felt like I knew of people I had school with, but never to the point where someone that I may not have really conversed with - would even remotely recognize me as a classmate of theirs.
This struck an odd chord with me - and I don't think it was a bad chord (per se) but it did drudge up feelings I've been wrestling with my whole life and had essentially validated my existence.
That sounded weird - allow me to back up and explain.
IT WAS NEW YEAR'S DAY - January 1st, 2021
This was the end of my paternity leave from work and it was time to return to close contact with others, risking exposure to COVID-19 and dealing with the stressors of a hostile work environment.
I was getting ready to leave my then 2 month old baby boy to return to a position that had me covering for so many others in the organization, because they had - you guessed it - all gotten sick and infected with COVID.
I wanted to avoid this at all costs. First while my wife was pregnant with Declan (because who wants to even find out what happens to pregnancies when the mother becomes infected), my mother-in-law would watch our children, and I with asthma didn't want to roll the dice and potentially affect anyone within our family.
Especially Jennifer's then ill sister - who we tragically lost in early March after her own battle with cancer.
The stress was overwhelming. I couldn't sleep. I tossed, and turned, and cried out through the night, drenched in sweat... all was not well with my state of mind.
Bit of precursor before I go on - I suffer from depression and anxiety.
IN HIGH SCHOOL - EARLY 2000's is where my depression was on full display where I seem to remember writing something in my history class that may have tipped off my teacher that I may have been struggling.
Her intervention is what led me down the path to get some initial care for my depression.
I was prescribed the medication Zoloft for a time as a teen and don't think I responded too well to the medication.
I felt... nothing.
No highs, no lows, just a stoic shell of a person trudging their way through life.
I wasn't a fan.
It could have been perhaps the beauty I saw in emotion driven by my connection with the theater. I wanted to FEEL things, just not feel things... you know?
Anyways - That eventually led me to drop the use of Zoloft and cold-turkey find a way to live with and cope with my depression. For the most part... I thought I had a handle on it.
Spoiler alert - I did not.
The better part of two decades was filled with anger, sadness, heartache, loss, rejection, depression, and even suicidal thoughts - and attempts.
This isn't something I talk about regularly, but this whole year of 2021 has been a constant reminder of how fragile I was - how I was barely holding myself together since high school.
Peaks of my depression pushed me to either harm myself or prevent myself from seeking the medical care that could prevent a larger issue. Without going into too many specific details, there have been several occasions where I had honestly either thought about killing myself or stepping precariously close to self harming in a way that would have ended my own life.
That's because I felt like a nobody...
I felt invisible...
Like the background noise of an AC fan in an office building, or the gentle hum of an engine as it pushes its occupants down the highway. Overlooked, ignored, forgotten... invisible.
Perhaps this is what drove me to do theater in high school? An attempt to grasp at the limelight? To thrust myself into people's view so I may be noticed?
Forget about being accepted for who you are, I just wanted to be SEEN... to be HEARD.
This would lay the groundwork of depression for the rest of my life.
FAST FORWARD FROM HIGH SCHOOL
Life seemed to become a series of unfortunate events:
●I was engaged in college in a relationship that lasted quite a few years - abruptly ended.
●Graduated college with a degree in education - during one of the worst financial crises, leading to many hiring freezes.
●Became so anxiety ridden at a school that I eventually did get a job at, that it drove me to have a condition known as cyclical vomiting. (that was fun)
●I couldn't get a job with the college degree that I had, so I obtained my Commercial Driver's License (CDL) to be an over-the-road truck driver. To leave my new wife behind to be gone months on end all while we struggling to conceive a child.
●After recognizing trucking life wasn't feasible for us, I finally landed the job I had held for nearly 10 years. (Remember the one I couldn't sleep over? The one from the beginning of this post? Don't worry, we're getting back to that).
●Jennifer and I had suffer 2 miscarriages before finally receiving a medical intervention to obtain Lukas.
●Worse yet, before Lukas was born, our family suffered a horrific tragedy: our niece had committed suicide.
●This drudged up my own struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts - all the while thinking that "nope, I can cope." We had all suffered such a loss that things weren't going to be the same. This is where feelings of survivor's guilt started - I could have said more, I could have done more, it should have been me.
●While we finally had our first taste of parenting, SURPRISE! Three short months in, we were expecting with Lincoln. (Honestly, it took so long to get Lukas.... that we didn't see that one coming)
●We had it okay for a while, then became paralyzed with debt.
●Needing to move, we wrestled with relinquishing pets - it was difficult to let go of them.
●Eventually consolidating our debts, moving into a new home and now expecting child number 3!... is when we had another miscarriage. Jennifer had the unique displeasure of going through a D&C.
●We moved into our new home and had another unique displeasure of needing to euthanize Jennifer's sick and elderly dog Roxie.
●Some new fur-balls entered into our lives, specifically Boo - a black cat who you can spook just by uttering his name - and Scooby - a 'birthday' gift that Jennifer convinced me into adopting because I happened to 'name' him. They filled part of the child-sized hole that was missing in our life.
●Finally... FINALLY we found ourselves on stable footing with our income and living situation, we went after a child again utilizing medical intervention... only to watch that fail.
●Jennifer and I fell ill early February 2020, and so our next round of a medical intervention for pregnancy was on pause, but SURPRISE! We were able to get there ourselves and were expecting a newborn baby boy sometime in late October (honestly seems to be the only time we can have children, Lukas born October 29th, Lincoln born November 9th, and Declan born October 30th).
●Then COVID spread like wildfire. Such a mess. So much loss, suffering, and pain.
●600,000 Americans alone perished from the disease in the short time it ravaged through the country prior to utilizing a vaccine.
●This is what exacerbated tensions with work. COVID complicated things. I wasn't going to risk my life, nor the lives of my family because I was put into substantially high risk encounters with people.
I had already been feeling survivor's guilt from previous losses we've had, and had yet to experience. I wasn't going to be the reason that someone got COVID in my family and lost their life. I would not be able to live with myself if I were the reason someone I cared for died because of my work's inability to see their employees as human beings.
Luckily, we made it to Declan's birth - and all of the sorrows felt, the emotions, the tragedy, the heartache - led to this beautiful moment between mother and son:
This is what I meant when I said there is beauty in the emotions we feel. Having your emotions hobbled by a Kathy Bates style anti-depressant wasn't anything I wanted. Plus, I had a great fear of the side effect of suicidal thoughts that many medications brought with them, as I had thought I outgrew that horrific part of my life.
RETURNING TO JANUARY 1ST, 2021 - I was in crisis.
I was about to return to work, broken, frantic, panicked. I wouldn't be able to keep myself safe at my job with how I was feeling, and it was time I "give in" and get back onto a medication to help me cope with my depression and anxieties.
I put "give in" in quotes, because I had a toxic teaching and upbringing of what a "man" is supposed to look like, act, behave, etc.
I never measured up to these garbage standards: 1) I couldn't make enough money to support me and my whole family, 2) I needed to accept help, which is a big no-no as any strong man can get things done on their own, 3) was definitely not virile enough to produce offspring without help - I could go on but why bother?
Ever since high school, my self worth, self esteem, was never even a blip. I barely felt like a person who existed on this planet. So yes, I knew that without the help of a medication that I wouldn't be able to sleep - let alone function.
Luckily, there was an app for that.
Jennifer quickly assisted me in finding the Plush Care app, and I promptly got a video appointment with a doctor and was prescribed Lexapro to help combat my symptoms of depression and anxiety.
It helped calm me down enough to where I could return to work, and by doing so...
Catch COVID within 2 weeks of returning. Spread it to my entire family. Realize that this position wasn't worth the headaches it was causing and resigned.
Just in time to be by my family's side as they lose a loved one to cancer.
Just in time to be by my family's side as we realize that our son, who we fought for for so long, was diagnosed with cancer himself needing to go through routine checks and chemotherapy.
I knew I had made the right decision to leave work and be with my family, but it didn't help with my self worth, or self esteem.
SO - on Wednesday, June 2nd, 2021 - a nurse at Children's Hospital mentioned that they recognized me from high school. Someone who I don't believe I interacted with much at all - SAW ME.
All of a sudden, I didn't feel so invisible.
I didn't feel so ignored, forgotten, or insignificant.
Now I know many who may read this and say, "But Nick, what about your family? Surely you matter to them? There's no way you would feel like this around them."
Yes... and No.
That's the funny thing about depression. I'm well aware of the significance I have on my children, the love and affection I feel with Jennifer, and the overwhelming support and love from my extended family - but depression clouds all of that.
Depression is constantly battering and belittling me into a mash of insecure feelings and unwanted thoughts.
Why delay and not seek help until I was in crisis?
Because depression wants me to think I'm nothing but a burden to people
Burdening my family financially with doctors, therapy, and medicine so I don't even start
Burdening people emotionally by bringing everybody around me down and not being "happy" enough
Let people be who they are. The only thing this antiquated definition of a "man" did for me was give me low self esteem and continual looming thoughts of wanting to end my own life for not measuring up to those standards. Exemption: Don't let people be disgusting garbage humans, call them out on their shit so they can better themselves (see advice above - 'Let people be who they are except an asshole, don't be an asshole')
It's OKAY to ask for help. This doesn't make anyone 'weak' or 'less of a man'. Males are 3 to 4 times more likely to commit suicide than females - and sometimes its these gender roles we try to impose on our children that end up doing more harm than good.
If you or somebody you know is struggling and just needs someone to talk to, there are various Warm Lines available in multiple states that give you the opportunity to just talk.
But if you or somebody you care about is in crisis, do not hesitate to talk to someone now by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
Or by Texting "MHA" to 741-741.
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